Why Migraines are the New Inheritance

In the past few weeks I have begun getting horrendous migraines. (How’s that for a boost-your-day post? Just sip your coffee and we’ll get there eventually…) I have always been a lots-of-headaches person, and it is possible that many of those headaches were migraines I did not realize I was having. The difference here is not merely in intensity but in duration: we’re talking seven days in a row with migraines. To sum: ouch! Pass me the Excedrin, throw in some beta blockers, and I’ll be on to the next problem, thank you.

Because the solution has not been a simple one, my twitter feed has been bombarded with migraine-this and maybe-it’s-a-tumor-that (I am prone to dramarize, I admit), with a little bit of if-I-were-John-Malkovich-would-we-feel-my-pain for good measure. I recently realized, though, that these migraines are not something I should be upset about.

In fact, if you cut out the inconvenient ickiness of them, migraines are downright glamorous. So, for a moment, let’s forget about the blinding pain, the intolerance for noise and light, my unattractive responses to said symptoms, and break down what a having a migraine stands for.

Clearly, migraines are the mark of a True Socialite. At initial signs of headache, one’s first reaction tends to be to hold one’s head. While this move can be a bit common, migraines stand out in that the pain is so overwhelming and concentrated that the migraine sufferer must shirk from the whole-face hold to the patented Socialite Fingers-to-Forehead Hold. Observe Miss K-Beezy demonstrating:

K-Beezy's reaction to incompetent staff.

I’m sure you have all seen this move. It is utilized by socialites everywhere, most often when the staff is incompetent, which is always. But with migraines as the catalyst I don’t even need a staff to establish my social rank! Even when the florists have given me Calla Lilies just as I asked, and though the front door goes answered because I have done it myself, I am still left with plenty occasion to indicate my place in the local hierarchy– all I have to do is wait until I feel like my head’s going to explode, head to the latest hot spot, and work it! (btw, if anyone knows of a staff that will work pro bono, please send them my way.)

Okay, so I may not have my photo and name in StL Magazine‘s “Glitterati”, but that proves nothing either. My status is pure, born-in, as the need for the Finger-to-Forehead has been bestowed on me naturally– it’s like being old money without the ‘lots of money from way long ago’ part, which is a hassle anyway. And I’m sure once StL Mag gets the memo, they’ll search us out ASAP. (Someone should link them our blog.)

Still not convinced that migraines = social greatness? Cindy McCain has them. And lunches about them. (Migraines are also why she wears sunglasses all the time. I’m totally stealing that.) And Marcia Cross may not be a socialite, but she plays one on TV. And, again, the Fingers-to-Forehead Hold:

K-Beezy with a migraine

So, good friends, next time you see a woman with a sore look on her face and her middle three fingers over her furrowed brow, pity her not: she is merely basking in her unwieldy social status. But if she isn’t wearing sunglasses, pleasepleaseplease pity her and give her yours.

xoxo,
your gangsta-in-chief

P.S. My MRI came back. There’s nothing on my brain but awesome.

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