Morbidity. (the regular kind, not the obese kind)

So I’m just hanging out. I’ve been in bed literally the whole day. THE WHOLE DAY. Not kidding. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been doing stuff – homework, apartment hunting, reading blogs, researching, watching movies, dancing to bad music on my Windows Media Player, chatting on the phone, eating – the list goes on. I’m just saying me and my bed have been one today.

It’s days like this that make me think morbid thoughts. Such as “If I died tomorrow, is this really the best way for me to have lived my last day? Not that homework and masturbation is a bad way to go…it is just a little pathetic, yo.”

To be fair it is Sunday Funday and I can do WHATEVER I WANT TO DO.

But anyway, back to morbid thoughts.

I don’t feel too creeped out by morbid thoughts because I am not alone in the world of morbid thoughts. I find that death comes up in conversation kind of regularly, and is usually related to me laughing so hard I pee a little.

For example, K-beezy and I, have, on multiple occasions, discussed what we would do to each other’s facebook accounts if we died. Did you know you can become a fan of “If I die I give my friends permission to change my status to ‘is dead'”? THIS IS AWESOME. You can have your facebook MEMORIALIZED if you die. They won’t delete you. They will create an online shrine to you and that drunken orgy you went to last weekend. You will be immortalized forever on the world wide web in that bad picture of you and your ex boyfriend at the zoo with the elephant shitting in the background. Isn’t that great?

And it doesn’t end there. Because of course as soon as someone dies this starts popping up: “You have been invited to a new group” >> “XOxo r.I.p ToM my BEST freind xoXO”

ACCEPT INVITATION. This facebook group was made just for you Tom, straight from the heart of Tiffani who had class with you since the 10th grade. Tiffani is dyslexic of course. Everyone from Tom’s highschool will join this group, but THEN, watch out Tiffani, because Ashleigh is making a counter-fb-memorial group for Tom. Because she has known Tom since the 8th grade and she slept with his cousin. “Rest in Piece Thomas Smith”.

My favorite part of these groups is the part where you REALLY want to know how Thomas Smith died, so you creep through the haikus, and the message from Tom’s family saying they really appreciate the support and you can’t find ANYTHING TOM JUST DROPPED DEAD WITH NO EXPLANATION. So then, if you’re real sick like I know you are and if you aren’t don’t judge me, you google “Thomas Smith obituary St.Charles, MO” and there you find out that good ol’ Tom died in a tragic ATV accident like everyone else and their mother (why don’t people realize four-wheelers are dangerous? Jake seems to think one day we will be married and we will reproduce and I will allow him to put my babies on an ATV and let us just say now that HE IS WRONG).

Anyway, so that’s morbid in and of itself.

In case you’re wondering, if K-beezy dies suddenly I am making her memorial fb group but I’m putting “KB WAS ATHEIST SO DON’T YOU DARE PRAY FOR HER”. And anytime you want to hear about how sick we are just ask one of us about the Analingus Rapist. Then you’ll be real freaked out or you’ll think we are super awesome.

But seriously, all of my friends are super prepared for sudden onset death. They are all so organized. They have all of their passwords in one place on their computer (A friend of mine did this and her dad made her put a password on the file……counter-intuitive eh?). The most I’ve done is discussed in detail what me and my siblings are doing at each other’s funerals and if we die soon what we want of each others. Jacob always tries to stay out of these convos but he can’t help it. Because being morbid is super fun and contagious. He wants the song “Walking on Sunshine” to play at his viking funeral (the vikings did this crazy business where they built a ship, stuck you on it, dug a hole and BURIED THE WHOLE SHIP…how sweet is that?). Michael is getting custody of Monty if I die. Don’t try to fight him on it, we’ve already got the paperwork in motion.

And seriously, I cannot behave at funerals. If I offend one of you at a funeral one day just try to keep in mind the following: I’m just laughing so I don’t cry. Or I’m laughing because something hilarious happened.

the end,


OH I FORGOT: I almost got into a bar fight last night with some tall volleyball players. Look 7 feet tall women of the world, stop stepping on my feet and elbowing me in the head when I’m trying to dance. I’m sorry you’re jealous that even if you were anorexic you wouldn’t be able to weigh what I weigh because you’d die before you got there.


5 Responses


    and in addition, last night was the closest i’ve ever come to “throwing down.” that tall bitch was messing with the wrong crowd. and by crowd i mean me and you because the rest of our friends would have probably ran in the opposite direction.

  2. Sam, I am laughing so hard I think you just turned me into a B-Dub. Damnit!

  3. rapid fire response. i love you (both).

  4. “You will be immortalized forever on the world wide web in that bad picture of you and your ex boyfriend at the zoo with the elephant shitting in the background. Isn’t that great?”


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