Things I have found whilst walking

I have become dedicated to walking 5 miles a day, and if not everyday, every other day at the least. It’s nice out, I want to look svelte in my bikini, and the sun makes me happy. So far, all of these things have fallen into place for me since spring has sprung. And curious enough, so has something unexpected: whenever I go for a walk, I FIND THINGS.

I kid you not, but walking to Sugar Creek Park and taking a few laps around the venue has provided me with ample entertainment aside from the much-needed exercise. I am very observant and aware of my surroundings,  hence probably why I have been able to find a souvenir on every outing. But I’m not talking trinkets like a lost bracelet, a snickers bar wrapper, a crushed PBR can or a pack a cigs with a couple bad boys left (ok, if I was desperate for a smoke I might pick up something like that, but I’m not that gross…), I’m talking crazy shit. Things you shouldn’t find in a park or on the side of Dougherty Ferry Road. Here are some examples:

1. Checkbook

Finders keepers! Cha-ching!

I’m sure you’ve heard the advice, “never leave your checkbook just lying around.” I know I have. Although I seldom use it, if someone were to ever get ahold of it and write themselves a check, I’d be sunk. (Actually no I wouldn’t. I am really really poor so the joke would be on my checkbook’s captor.) But assuming I have money, and knowing that it is the gateway to all of my money, my bank account and thus all my credit cards, and lists my address and phone number, etc., keeping my checkbook close to me is a priority. I guess Mr. and Mrs. Franklin from Perryville, Missouri never got that message.

So I was walking last week and right along side the road I come across a checkbook. I flip through it briefly and find out that EVERY SINGLE bit of personal information is printed on their checks, from a driver’s license number (which was a SSN, I could tell by the way it was numbered) to what specific bank handles all of their finances. This checkbook was a thief’s gold, I tell you. Anyway, I called the number on the checks later that evening to find out that Mr. and Mrs. Franklin are a bit old and senile and they had no idea how this checkbook ended up in West County. They live kinda far away. But whatever, I did my good deed for the day. However, Mr. Franklin is still missing his car keys. I’ll go looking for those next, although he claims he’s never been to Manchester, Missouri in his entire life.

2. SIM card out of a blackberry

My SIM card stores all my songs. And dirty text messages.

Why was a SIM card laying on the ground by the famous farm on Dougherty Ferry? Your guess is as good as mine. But from my experience with SIM cards, a phone really can’t function without one. It’s impossible. The SIM card has to be activated and in the mobile device for anything to work, i.e. sending or receiving any sort of communication. It also is used as a storage device for things such as ringtones, songs and text messages. So whoever decided to dump the one I found was either pissed at AT&T, got a new phone, or was disposing of textual evidence. Lucky for me, I can plug any AT&T SIM card into my blackberry and see what’s on it. I have yet to do this with my found jewel, but believe me, the day will come when I will plug it in, watch the anonymous text messages pop up like confetti, and viola, silent voyeurism at it’s best. Knowing me I won’t get any thrill out of this endeavor because the SIM card will come up blank. But we shall see!

3. Full, unused pack of Trojan condoms

Eh, intense ribbed. These do not sound comfortable.

Yeah, I’ve found condom wrappers before in the park. Even a used condom or two thrown into the bushes. Hey, some people like to bond with the great outdoors. But an entire pack of unopened, untouched condoms just hanging out under a branch? There could be many solutions to this puzzling find. I have a few theories. 1.) A couple said screw it and didn’t use protection. 2.) A Soccer Mom went on a Target/Walmart run before her kid’s soccer game to pick up Gatorade for the kid and the Target/Walmart checker placed the baby-blockers in the same bag as the Gatorade, oblivious to Soccer Mom, and thus “empty” bag was left at the park 3.) Park ranger noticed a couple laying down a blanket, taking off various articles of clothing, and fondling each other. Inevitably the park ranger  caught the couple in the act and all parties involved panicked in a rush to escape a doomed fate and left the pack of love-gloves behind.

4. Thong underwear

I wish I had pair of these suckers.

Proof that my third theory about the condoms was correct. (N.B. The thong I found did not look like my pictorial illustrative example. It was lacy and black and probably said “Yes Means Yes.”)

5. Possessed stray cat

Yep, that's him.

This motherfucker stalks me every time I go to the park. He hides in the woods and then all of the sudden BAM he’s underneath my pink Nikes. I do not like cats. They are creepy, stalker-ish, and you never really know what they’re thinking. Kind of like me. But anyway, this one is the WORST. I think he might be rabid in the way he darts around like Spiderman, and if not rabid, the devil incarnate. I bet he shape shifts into people like Glenn Beck or Dana Loesch when he’s not nipping after my heels at the park.

So those are a few of my discoveries at Sugar Creek Park. It’s a fun place, you should come. If I find a dead body, I’ll let you know.

Word,

bingbangbus

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