The less pants you’re wearing the easier it is for men to charm them off.

AHEM. hello world,

It has come to my attention that some ladies (and sometimes gentlemen) are a little bit confused about pants.

Yes, pants. You may not be aware of the epidemic that is infesting the Midwest but I am painfully aware of it.

PANTSLESSNESS. Pantslessness affects millions worldwide. Mostly it upsets my eyes and soul.

What the hell? Why doesn’t anyone wear pants? What is wrong with pants? What is wrong with having your ass covered and protected from the elements (wind, water, earth, fire, surprise)? When did this happen? I just don’t know.

The thing is, it isn’t so much that people aren’t wearing ANYTHING on their bottom half. They are just wearing things that THEY have decided count as pants, but I am here to say NAY THESE THINGS ARE NOT PANTS!:

1) Leggings. I know, they’re cute, they’re comfy, THEY ARE NOT PANTS. If your shirt does not reach past your butt creases then LEGGINGS ARE A NO GO. Leggings are see-through ladies. Deny it if you want but the neon lights in the dance club do not lie. I don’t care what pattern, what material, what excuse you have – THEY ARE MADE OF NOTHING!!! Another problem with this? It makes your ass look stupid. Leggings are not attractive. Every lump, bump, jiggle : I CAN SEE IT AND I JUST DON’T WANT TO. When are leggings okay? When you are wearing a dress and you are planning on participating in a variety of physical activities and you don’t want everyone to see your hoo-haa. Beside that? PUT SOME PANTS ON HONEY-CHILD.

2) Tights. What is with this? Don’t you have a mother who loves you? My mother would never let me go out into the world wearing colored tights as pants. She would say “You look skanky.” And she is right – I would look skanky. Or she might say something like “Hey butt” because when my boobs are out she does that – refers to me as though I am just my body part. But that is off the topic.  Back to tights: Just like leggings: tights are see-through. I can see your butt. I can see your undies. Unless you are trying to sell something, keep it to yourself. The same rule for leggings goes with tights: these are a supplement to your outfit, these do not make up the outfit. Please and thank you.

3) Those latexy running exercisey things. Not leggings. Not pants. I am not sure what these are, but they aren’t pants and just because you went for a jog does not mean I want to start an up-close-and-personal relationship with your cheeks in the grocery store line- I don’t care how skinny you are. You cannot get away with this. I have a friend who runs, actually I have a lot of friends who run, and they own these mystical faux-pants and they wear (gasp) shorts over them. Give that a try.

4) Fancy pants/Party panties. It is a Saturday night. You say “I look good, I am sexy, I am wearing this too-short dress, I am getting d-runk” and then you say “Can’t wear a thong, think I will wear these fun undies so that if something happens where I am on the floor of a public place no one will see my vagina.”

Good planning. You’re smart. You’re smart until it is Tuesday at 1:30 PM and you think this theory qualifies for your English class. No no. Please put on pants. Your fancy pants don’t count as pants. Fancy pants are party back-up protective devices. They should not be your rear-end’s sole defense against the world.

5. SWEATER DRESSES THAT ARE NOT SWEATER DRESSES. I know this doesn’t really count as pants but it goes in the same category. I, like any red blooded American 21-soon-to-be-22-year-old girl, enjoy a good sweater dress. What I don’t enjoy is people who go to JCPenney and buy a longer-than-usual SWEATER and pawn it off as a dress. THIS IS A FATAL MISTAKE AND I CAN SEE YOUR PATOOTIE. No gracias.

In the clinic our supervisors say that if you are concerned about the length of something bend over in your bedroom. Can you feel a draft? DO NOT WEAR THAT. PUT ON SOME PANTS.

It is okay, every now and then, to not wear pants. But when I see people wearing leggings with t-shirts as part of their everyday wardrobe I feel unhappy. Women already have a bad rep, and by not wearing pants you are propagating this! It is the duty of socialites around the world to make women look good. So for Christ’s sake put some pants on.

Shoutout to KB for stealing her bullet point outline style.

yours faithfully and pantsfully,



4 Responses

  1. Dear Samantha, I love you. But I have a few comments.

    1. While I agree 100% that leggings are not, in fact, pants I have learned to enjoy wearing them as my only bottom. And then having a few cocktails and telling everyone how I am wearing leggings as pants, in case they were blind and thought I was just wearing really tight pants that divulged exactly what my ass looks like.

    2. Kailey, her brother, and perhaps her mother all saw my fancy pants on New Years Eve. Did you see them? Jake? Everyone at Q? Every time I wear them my roommate gets a show. This is not ok. Just because my unders are cute does not mean everyone wants to see them! I need you to tell me that it is always inappropriate to show people your unders (in my defense, i was wearing the fancy pants on top of tights on new years so it wasn’t really a show so much as an awkward sartorial decision). But I never wear them during the week so I guess I am not breaking your rules.

    3. Sometimes when I work out I have to go to Target after (to get the present I deserve for working out, like a snickers bar) and I go wearing my tight work out pants. Is that ok?

    Holy crap this is a long comment. Can you tell I don’t want to study? I will be awaiting your responses and the text you will send when you finally wear leggings as pants out in public and want to jump for joy at how comfortable you are.

  2. hahahahaha I know they’re comfy! I own leggings! But they’re just so not attractive. This girl I was sitting next to in Barnett the other day was wearing leggings with a t shirt and a vest and I just felt like she might as well be naked! she then dumped a dr.pepper in her lap and i was like “that wouldn’t be so unpleasant if you were wearing something real that was separating your body from that dr.pepper”. i’m sure you’re okay though.

    and it is okay to show off your fancy pants when you’re drunk! thats why you wear them. do you wear your fancy pants to st louis university and show them to your professor? because if so then we’ve got an issue.

    AND, there is a difference between work out pants and the fake pants that people buy when they have decided to run a marathon. it is marathon-fake-pants. they are made of the weirdest material. and it is not pretty.

    i am doing laundry so i could respond quickly and adequately. i will always love my friends who don’t wear pants – as long as they can admit they look sort of silly.

  3. well then understandable. i go to truman state university where there are no hot professors.

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