I couldn’t write a blog, and examples of ADHD

I’d like to blog about something but I feel like I don’t have anything to blog about. Once I wrote a poem about how I didn’t have anything to write a poem about. It was called “I couldn’t write a poem” and it rhymed and then obviously, the irony is that I wrote a poem even though I couldn’t. I still have it somewhere. I had to meet all these requirements like have one example of an allegory and one example of an alliteration and some other stuff (which now that I think about it seems like a hard task for a 12 year old but I bet in China they do shit like that at age 4.) But somewhere in it I compare myself to Shakespeare, and that’s because even at age 12 I was ballin’.

While we’re on the topic, last night I couldn’t sleep and I wrote a haiku in my head for Jake and I was going to recite it to him it today but I think instead I will put it here for the world to read:

*AHEM*

JAKE

Is tall and goofy

Has a cute badonkadonk

Enjoys drinking beer

Really though I don’t like poetry very much, I’m not very good at seeing the underlying message and I just assume everything is a metaphor for sex (see: that black guy at Truman who is always at the poetry slams and reads those sneaky-sexy poems and makes me feel sweaty.) And I certainly can’t write poems though quite clearly I do have a penchant for haikus. Once I wrote KB a haiku. It went like this:

KB

hang with k.a.b?
must love grilled cheese and jay-z
…and dogs and al gore

Really it didn’t say “k.a.b” it said her name but I didn’t want to put that on here as we are all very topic secret and confidential and shit here. Except for when it comes to my boyfriend so now everyone knows I am dating a man named Jake who likes his drink and has a nice butt.

Anyway I’m in grad school now so mostly I just think about the onset of stuttering and vocal nodules and external humidifiers and menses and small Dutch professors and the somatogenic/diagnosogenic theory. I also think about the weather a lot because I walk to class or bicycle to class and it is hot outside but it is frigid inside (sometimes you run into this problem with women…beautiful but cold.) And then it rains here a lot and it gets hot in my apartment and I don’t want to melt my guinea pig so I have to consider whether I want to leave a fan blowing on him or turn on the AC or just hope he’ll make it (usually I go with the fan…I don’t even turn on the AC for myself.)

I should write a grad school haiku sometime. Probably tomorrow when I’m in class. Today in class I found out that it is within my scope of practice to perform naso-endoscopies and I got real excited because that means I can stick a video camera down someone’s nose and look at their vocal folds. Today I also had to purchase professional liability insurance and that seems silly because I doubt they’ll let me endanger anyone’s life in grad school but I suppose it must have happened once. I also get to wear a light blue lab coat in clinic so that is SWEET.

Just so you know, vocal folds look a lot like the VULVA. And so when you do naso-endoscopies you can watch them move when someone is talking and then it looks like a vagina is singing or laughing or breathing and it is the weirdest thing ever and I’m about to find a video and post it here get excited and maybe turn your volume down a little she hits a crazy note in there (and if you’re KB don’t watch you may throw up).

OMG when you look up videos of vocal folds tons of videos for birthing come up (WATCH OUT VIEWERS DO NOT CLICK.)

You know, I don’t know what it is about learning but it makes me so hungry! I eat like 5 square meals a day plus snacks. Also I’ve taken to adding cheese to my lean cuisines which may or may not defeat the purpose. I really love cheese. Once I ate so much cheese I threw up. One of my friends has a poster of CHEESES OF THE WORLD and it is pretty great. Once my grandma ate so many tomatoes she had an allergic reaction. I also love tomatoes. But I don’t love ketchup. Once my brother Michael ate so much fruit he threw up on our living room carpet. Which I think is hilarious – what small, male child loves fruit to the point of regurgitation?

I think the irony in this blog is even though I didn’t have anything to write about I managed to blog anyway.

Ridiculous Blog Summary

Vocal folds look like

vaginas, I love cheese, and

haikus are super,

weathersby

when it gets dark outside I have to drive my car across town and then ride my bicycle back – pray for my safe return (you don’t really have to pray you could maybe just call the police if you haven’t heard from me in awhile.)

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2 Responses

  1. This is your best in a long time. (Not that your others aren’t wonderful, just that I laughed out loud on many occasions whilst sitting here next to my father while he watches some law/police/investigation prime time show and elevates his knee.) I really like you a lot. And earlier today I taught a six year old about haikus. We wrote one about robin eggs that fell out of the tree. It went like this:

    The robin eggs fell
    from the tree in the wind storm
    but they were okay.

  2. […] other bloggers I keep tabs on, I found that that’s not really necessary, as my dear friend weathersby so graciously pointed out. And so, I decided to just jump back […]

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